Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
I'm really excited to have bought you and am looking forward to a long and beautiful friendship. They say diaries are for 15-year-old girls, but we know better, don't we?

Dear Diary,
If I had a dollar for every song I've sung in a run-down honky-tonk, I wouldn't have many dollars, because I'm not a singer in a rock and roll band.

Dear Diary,
A lot of people hear unexplained voices, but after many years I've never heard a single one that couldn't be explained, not even yours. *coughcough*

Dear Diary,
Say something already!

Dear Diary,
Despite pouring out all of my heartfelt thoughts to you, you never say anything. Is it something I've written? Is it something I haven't written?

Dear Diary,
I really enjoy how smooth your cover is. A lot of people think leather is sexy. If you looked like an actress, would it be Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Finnigan, Jennifer Lawrence or Lacey Chabert?

Dear Diary,
Why don't you ever say anything? Sometimes I think you're the laziest book on the shelf!

Dear Diary,
I must apologize for the outburst the other day. It's not you. It's me.

Dear Diary,
I thought this was going to be different somehow, but you never answer. Do you know how frustrating it is talking to someone who doesn't talk back?

Dear Diary,
I tell you everything. You sit there silently. Lounging around on MY shelf that *I* paid for. Not you! Your spine looks fat. How do feel about that? Ha!

Dear Diary,
I'm not sure this is going to work out. You never communicate. I need someone who listens and shares. But you always sit there staring at me.

Dear Diary,
On the way home from work today, I picked up a mini butane torch from the hardware store and some giant paperclips from the office supply store. No reason. Although yesterday I watched a documentary on cattle branding. Coincidence? Or something for you to think about? I'll let you decide.

Dear Diary,
I had lunch with Jennifer from Accounting today. I think you and I need some time apart. It's not you. It's me.

Dear Diary,
I apologize for being away so long. I was with Jennifer...until she decided we should see other people. She said it was her, not me. What's wrong with her? She said we can still be friends. I never go into Accounting any more. I'm glad you're here. Sorry about the burn marks on your back cover. I wasn't myself.

Dear Diary,
Why won't you say something? Just anything.